Last month, I posted my top picks for the best relationship books in 2020. They included: You Are a Badass (not necessarily a relationship book, but a great book on how to find/attract your best relationship into your life), The Five Love Languages, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, The Success Principles, and Become Your Own Matchmaker. The original post can be seen here.
One question I got a lot after that post was published was: Why isn’t The Rules part of that list? Many of my friends and family knew I had previously used The Rules in my dating life. My answer is simple: the Law of Attraction and The Rules are (mostly) mutually exclusive. The explanation for that, however, is fairly complicated.
The Rules as a Culture
The Rules has been a popular dating book for almost three decades. I think the theory behind it is teaching women to respect themselves. In theory, “respect” includes taking things slow to avoid getting stuck in a dud relationship. However, the execution of it seems to be “play more games and you’ll get the guy.” Don’t get me wrong, there are parts of The Rules I think are relevant and good for modern singles. For instance, I agree that if a guy hardly ever returns your calls or never actually takes you on dates (or only calls after 9:00 p.m. — hellooooo Fuck Buddy!), you should respect yourself enough to move on and find someone who likes you more.
So after you get past the basic “Rule” of respecting yourself enough to not be stupid in a relationship, you’re left with a series of Rules that completely negate our work with the Law of Attraction. The problem I see is this: If you are so busy not calling a guy back, not accepting Saturday night dates after Wednesday, ending your dates and phone calls first, and, God forbid, breaking up with someone because he didn’t get you a “romantic gift” for Valentine’s or your birthday… You’re going to stay single for an awfully long time. And hey, sometimes shit happens and everyone forgets to return a phone call every once in a while–and I, too, have received the occasional late night call to “come over.” In addition, chances are, any reasonable guy will go away when you’re practicing those Rules on him because, let’s be honest–those actions are RUDE. If the goal of the Rules is to be respected by men, how come we don’t offer the same respect?
Bottom line, these practices don’t blend with utilizing the Law of Attraction to get your best relationship–and your best life.
The Law of Attraction as a Practice
When we’ve talked here about “Attracting ‘the One’ with the Law of Attraction,” I’ve told my story of how my dating life changed drastically a mere two months after I changed my language and asked the Universe for exactly what I wanted. What we haven’t talked too much about is what happened during our initial dating process. I’m not going to lie, it was tough sometimes. He was newly out of a marriage and absolutely certain that he didn’t want to jump right into another relationship. Who could blame him?
But in thinking back on how we started, I realize that I broke a significant amount of The Rules–and I’m so grateful that I did!
I Followed Some, but Broke More
After we saw each other that first time, I was the one who reached out. I was the one who invited him to hang out. And a week later, I reached out again to show him a funny picture that was relevant to our previous conversations. Now, mind you, his responses were always tentative but enthusiastic. I’d text a funny picture and he’d immediately call and we’d talk for hours (breaking yet another Rule). In other words, I wasn’t being stupid by “chasing” someone who clearly wasn’t into me, but I was actually participating in the dating process to get to know someone I wanted to get to know better.
Don’t get me wrong, there were certain rules I followed: He wasn’t married, we weren’t sleeping together, we didn’t see each other much, I was dating other people, and we took it just about as slow as any two people could manage. But this “following” was inadvertent. I just did what seemed right in response to the situations the Universe presented to me.
The Rules vs. The Law of Attraction
I would say the final nail in the coffin of my Rules practice was the day I took down all of my profiles and completely quit dating other people. We’d been dating for almost 5 months and we had talked a couple of times about his hesitancy to call us “exclusive.” Honestly, I got angry. It had been way longer than any “Rules Girl” would wait for an exclusive relationship. We were spending a fairly significant amounts of time together, and our connection was something I had never felt. But he still hesitated, and I seriously considered walking.
Then something strange happened. Something The Rules writers would probably feel forever ruined the balance of power (i.e., I gave mine up) between us. I realized the Universe was trying to give me exactly what I’d been asking for. But I wasn’t willing to take the leap. I was so afraid of getting hurt that I didn’t want to limit myself in the dating world–even for this connection that appeared to be something special. I was so concerned with a “lack of label” that I was honestly considering walking away from immediate happiness just to avoid being some unknown future version of “unhappy.”
The Law of Attraction REQUIRES a Leap of Faith–The Rules Forbids It
I have to admit, I felt stupid. Here I was, asking him to take a leap of faith I wasn’t willing to take. I realized that all these Rules are a way for women to avoid getting hurt. Or at least to be the first to walk away to “soften the blow” of being hurt. But that’s not the principle of attracting “the One” with the Law of Attraction. So for the first time in my life I trashed the “rules of dating.” I instead chose the Law of Attraction and took the risk of committing before he was ready to commit–and telling him I was doing so–to show the Universe I was ready. I could almost hear The Rules community cringe.
In my experience, The Rules seems to be about safety. But the Law of Attraction is all about taking risks. Jumping into something that makes you incredibly uncomfortable with the possibility you might fall. You might fail. You might come out on the other side of romance with a broken heart and a “wasted” few months. But wait… Are they really wasted? When it comes to dating and relationships, chances are, those few months were heavenly. You probably had a great time. Good sex. Great food. Amazing adventures… You learned a lot. About the other person, but more importantly, you probably learned a lot about yourself. If the fun is in the journey, that journey doesn’t sound half bad!
Definition of Insanity?
So what was it that got me to break the biggest Rule of all? It was a simple question: “Am I going to choose to be ‘single and lonely’ now simply because I fear I’ll be ‘single and lonely’ later?” Sure, there may be some extra hurt during a potential breakup process, but the bottom line is, most of our fears regarding rejection or breaking up has to do with the fear of being single and lonely. I already was. So I realized I was thinking about walking away based on these stupid Rules to get to my status quo of “single and lonely” earlier than I might, if and only if things didn’t work out. All for what? Some stupid power play? Or at its best, the argument was I didn’t want any extra “hurt” of him potentially walking away first.
Many say the definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting different results. But in this situation, I have to say, I think a definition of insanity would include keeping yourself at your status quo now simply out of fear that you’ll be back to status quo later. If it sounds stupid and complicated it’s because it IS. Aren’t humans silly?
Be a “Risk Girl” NOT a “Rules Girl”
Again, I want to make it clear that I’m not condoning someone to have one date with a person they think is “perfect” and immediately throw yourself into a relationship with them simply because you are “taking the risk.” But you also can’t expect the Universe to give you what you’re asking for if you aren’t willing to have any skin in the game.
My experience with The Rules is it’s a way for women to practice avoidance. To start dating in a way that you can avoid hurt by running (or finding a reason to run) before you get hurt. But with the Law of Attraction, the Universe only wants to change things for you if you can show it you really want the change. Status quo is easier for everyone–including the Universe. “An object in motion stays in motion.” But if you want change, you have to do the work to change the “motion” of your life.
The Rules gives girls an “out” from taking the risk that is necessary to change your life. A “Rules Girl” will spend her time finding any reason to run away. But a “Risk Girl” will take the situations the Universe is giving her and, while still respecting herself, respect her potential partner enough to take a risk on the possibility of a great relationship.
By the way, not only did I not “get a romantic gift,” but Blossom’s BiFF forgot my birthday last year. (To be fair, I was in Italy and we were only talking on the phone.) Lol. We’re still together, and I still think my life is more awesome with him in it. Another Rule bites the dust, I guess. Hahaha.
Stay Hungry, Daters! Happy Cooking! Happy Dating! Happy Attracting! Just take the risk to be HAPPY!
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