I love the holidays. I love the friends, I love the food, and I love the gatherings. I have to say though, they can also create some discomfort. One of those uncomfortable situations can be created by your relationship status–whether you’re single, newly dating, negotiating in-laws or multiple families, or married with kids. Every one of these relationship status situations is different, but every one of them has the opportunity to either enrich your holiday experience or make you hate the holidays all together.
Hopefully my small amount of experience, large amount of research, and inordinate amount of trial and error’ed tips can make your holidays the best ever no matter what your relationship status!
Happy holidays!
Single
One of the worst things as a single on the holidays is the diatribe of questions and interrogations. No matter your age (though it’s waaaaaaaay worse later in life), everyone thinks that the holidays give them the authority to interrogate you on 1) why you’re still single; 2) when you’re going to “try to get married;” 3) whether you want to be married and have a family; and 4) whether you don’t want kids.
Don’t get me wrong, I have a great family, and in the grand scheme of things they pretty much stay out of my dating life and away from asking too many prying or invasive questions about it. But I’ve learned recently that even the small questions can get reactions as minute as annoyance or as severe as depression. And if you get too many of them all in a row, I have friends who confess they end up just wanting to leave.
How to Deal…
Of course, first line of defense is a great offense. That simply means at this time of year you have to be prepared for these questions ahead of time. Mostly, families (or just people) ask these questions because they’re concerned or interested in your life. They feel like asking these questions displays interest rather than nosiness.
Best advice I’ve heard is to come up with a semi-vague canned answer to any of these expected questions so that you don’t get caught off guard. For instance, “I’m dating a couple of people at the moment. No one serious yet but it’s getting there.” This particular answer, doesn’t necessarily have to be completely truthful, but it tells the asker that you are dating, and that you expect to partake in their version of “normal” happiness in not too long. It’s assertive enough that somebody asking these invasive questions hopefully won’t dig deeper but it also shows them that you don’t plan on being single forever—even if that’s exactly your plan. And even if you do plan on being single forever, it’s likely you’ll still be dating intermittently, so there’s no lie to be told.
I think the main issue is around the holidays we see many of our older relatives who we don’t otherwise often see. I think we forget that in their generation, their whole lives were focused around getting married and having families. They had to be! Ours is the first generation where people are not only expected to, but even celebrated for, making their own decisions in life and creating their own happiness. This includes your relationship status.
However, it’s difficult to tell you’re 92-year-old great-grandmother that you really don’t want kids, because not only will she never understand, but it will incite her to think there might be something wrong with you. It’s not really her fault, she’s just the product of her own upbringing. Why wouldn’t you give her a vague answer that she can fill in with her own blanks which will make the entire experience so much more fun for both of you? And hey, if she continues to ask leading questions after you give her your vague answer, just say something like, “Oh, GG, (hehe) I don’t want to jinx it by giving anything away.” Superstition is a great excuse
They’re Showing They Love You
Finally, try to remind yourself that your family and friends love you and they’re mostly asking these questions because they want you to be happy. Sometimes, however, it’s easier to make them think you’re looking for their version of happiness, than to actually get them to believe that you’re happy the way you are. Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean to promote dishonesty in families. But, I really think there’s something to be said for having as much fun on a holiday as possible, and sometimes that takes manipulating circumstances a little bit. Again, it’s safe to assume that throughout your life you will be dating, so any answers you give that include “dating,” “its looking promising,” or even “I don’t want to jinx it yet,” are completely truthful, and hopefully avoid giving either yourself or your family members stereotypical, family-created holiday anxiety attack.
Dating
The holiday is there a time that promote major romanticism. For me, they always have! Even as a high school student, I’ll never forget listening to Christmas songs (generally starting in October, I might add. #SorryNotSorry), I always wanted to be the girl and those songs who was either longing for love to come home, participating in the love that the season seemed to build on, or using this season to shout a new love from the rooftops. To me, even Valentine’s Day has no contest on winter holiday season for the promotion of Romance.
But that doesn’t mean dating somebody new during the holidays doesn’t come with extra stresses.
The relationship is new, it’s possible but these holiday dinners are the first time that you or see your significant other are meeting each other’s families. Hopefully, this will be a fun and exciting time, but sometimes it can also be fraught with stress. It’s times like this, that Emily Post comes in extraordinarily handy. Minding your manners in this situation, is probably the best way to make a good impression on your new significant other’s family.
“Meeting the Family” Manners
- Be on time. The last thing you want to give your new significant other the opportunity to do is to slip up and tell his family that you were late because you were putting on your makeup. He’d likely think it was endearing and funny, but it’s unlikely his family will feel the same way. Just be on time and this particular issue won’t come up.
- Bring hostess gift. It’s doesn’t have to be anything huge. You can give a holiday candle, some cookies, a bottle of wine (if you know they drink), or box of chocolate from your favorite chocolatier. Even the tiniest gift can break the ice. If you want to go above and beyond, ask your significant other if there are special foods or drinks their family likes. I’ll never forget, one of my old friends came to my parents house for dinner. Earlier that week he had asked me what my parents like to drink. Instead of showing up with a bottle wine, he showed up with my mom‘s favorite vodka and my dad‘s favorite beer. He, of course, was then the favorite.
- If it’s at all possible, ask your significant other if you can meet one of his or her favorite family members before the impending holiday. That way you’ll know somebody, and you might be able to connect with the rest of the family more easily. If this isn’t possible, don’t stress. Remember, they like your significant other and so do you. Even just this is something you all have in common.
- If you’re going away to meet at significant other’s family, make sure to check on sleeping arrangements before you go. How many Christmas movies have we all seen, where the family puts the couple in the same bedroom (or different ones), and it creates all sort of comedic hijinks. This is not the first impression that you want to make. Of course, if you’re married, sleeping arrangements can be presumed. But if not, it’s up to you to be aware of your significant other’s family’s preferences and beliefs. It’s their house, and you’re working with in their rules. If they want you in separate bedrooms and you just can’t handle that, it’s time to pay for a hotel.
- If you’re going to visit your own family and introducing your significant other to them, try and prep mom and dad by asking them to tell your relatives to lay off the interrogation. “When are you proposing?” “How many kids do you want?” “What kind of life will you provide for her?” These are all questions that can put a major damper on a new relationship. Warn your significant other if you have an annoying relative unlikely to listen to instructions, but for the rest, ask your parents to spread the word that they should be polite and leave you both to your own timeline.
- Don’t drink too much. Period. Those are NOT the stories you want the family telling on you.
While, of course, this could be a very stressful time, The best advice anyone could give is to try and remember these are the people who gave you your significant other, and that alone should give you something to connect on. Try to have fun, and keep in mind this is probably temporary. When the relationship becomes established, you guys will be able to start creating your own traditions.
Married couples
First in foremost, it’s likely both of your families are going to want to see you, and depending on where you are in your relationship, you may have to start discussing how you’re going to split the holidays. I cannot tell you how many people I know both professionally and personally, that this is one of their number one fights every year. It’s safe to say that it’s extraordinarily easy to hurt feelings when it comes to giving up your time at the time of year when your family is used to having Full access to just you exclusively.
Again, the best initial advice I can give, is to remember that these fights are usually stemmed out of a loving desire to see you. Your families and friends only fight over your time because this is a wonderful season and they want you to be a part of their celebrations and memories. Even so, more times than not, it’s not often were able to overlook these fights are just because you know someone loves you. Whether you realize it’s coming from a place of love or not, it’s still frustrating and hurtful to know they won’t just respect your wishes. But it still has to be dealt with.
Plan Early
Again, the first thing to do is be prepared. I know it sounds crazy, but start talking to your husband or wife in October. I know it seems early, but it’s best to get on the same page as early as possible. If you talk to each other before either of your families starts discussing holiday plans, at least you’ll know that the two of you have prepared for those conversations by being on the same page. The worst thing that can happen is one of you gets caught off guard by a family member asking about holiday plans, and makes those plans without consulting the other. If you start discussing earlier than your families do, it will help avoid this issue.
Start One New Tradition of Your Own and STICK TO IT
You should also start discussing possibility of keeping one of the holidays (or even just one of the holiday meals) just to yourselves. While it may sound selfish now, it will save you both huge amounts of stress in the end. This should be a serious discussion reserved for a wonderful date night when the two of you are feeling most connected. That way, you’ll make those plans from a place of love and connection.
One of my very good friends, when she and her husband first started dating, decided that they were going to have Christmas morning just the two of them. They did this, because they decided they want to be opportunity for any future children to enjoy the magic of Christmas morning without the pressures of traveling to other family members homes. Today, they have four children, and every year, I love hearing stories about how the kids are so excited to spend the morning as a family seeing what Santa has brought them and playing with their new gifts and toys. This Christmas ideal doesn’t happen very often anymore. Too many times, families and friends insist but a family see everyone on Christmas morning. Subsequently, the idealistic “a Christmas Story” view of the sleepy Christmas morning is no longer an option. As a child, my parents constantly complained that we always spend Christmas in a car. The only way to avoid that it to set boundaries early. Had my friend and her husband not started this tradition when they were dating it would have been way too easy when their oldest was born, for all the grandparents to say “but we want to SEE the baby. Next year you can stay home.”
Strive for the High School Holiday Romance Ideal
Finally, try to continually remind yourself (and each other), that this should be a special time of year for you guys too. You deserve to have your own traditions, and while there may be some growing pains while you establish them, the endgame will be worth it. If you find yourselves fighting or arguing over silly things, try and check in with each other. If there’s any time to remind yourselves of the reasons for the season, when you realize you’re arguing over stupid things you wouldn’t normally argue over, that’s a good one.
Conclusion
No matter what your relationship status, the season is it time for love, friendship, family, and of course, food. The holidays do have the potential to be full of stress and frustration, but try and enjoy as much of it as possible. You can bring the magic to them, even if you have to work at it.
Happy Cooking and Happy Holidays!
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