Catfishing – A Blow to Clearly Already-Low Self-Esteem (And I’m Not Talking About the Victim’s)

I’ve been dating a long time. And as you know, I’ve experienced my fair share of awkward, stupid, and flat out cringe-worthy dates. But one thing I hadn’t personally experienced was “catfishing.” Well, last week I experienced it.

I know someone who was catfished.  They met online, talked for about a week, then made plans to go on a date.  He showed up at the restaurant and a woman waved him to her table and called him by name.  He was confused because he didn’t know her.  She told him she was the one he was meeting.  But she was a completely different race, build, and stature than the photos of the woman he’d been emailing with.  He said it was the only date he actually left before it started.

Catfishers: Setting Themselves Up for Failure

When he told me the story, I felt sorry for the girl. But then I thought, “you’re asking for this… You specifically put pictures of someone who looks NOTHING LIKE YOU on your dating profile. Obviously, you’re going to attract people who are attracted to THAT picture, not your own.”  I suppose you could try and keep them on that first date because they don’t want to be rude.  Then, on the foundation of “I-guess-I’ll-stay-for-one-drink-so-I-don’t-seem-like-an-asshole.” you try and hook them for future dates with your dazzling personality.  This plan sets you up for failure.

Last week I started talking to someone on Tinder who seemed like a pretty good match for me. His photo was a bit blurry, but to me he looked like maybe an olivey-skinned, light brown haired, medium build guy. However, when he showed up, he was NOTHING like the picture—even the blurry one. And we’re not talking an old picture of someone who just doesn’t quite look the same… This guy full on posted a blurry photo of someone else.

Was I Really Catfished?

I have a tough time linking my situation into the same category as my friend’s.  This guy seemed like a nice guy, the photo was blurry (but again, not of him), and when we met he told me he doesn’t post his own pictures for work reasons.  But of course he didn’t tell me that BEFORE we met.  So let’s be super honest here: when a guy–even a nice, good-on-paper guy–posts someone else’s photo on his  profile and doesn’t immediately tell you about it, that’s catfishing.  I should have taken a page out of my friend’s book and left right then and there.  But I’m too nice, and as I said, I’m sure the people who do this are banking on that.

Catfishing = Lack of Self-Esteem

Here’s the thing: this a terrible practice. It’s complete bullshit. It’s a dishonest, frustrating, abhorrent waste of everyone’s time. But after I experienced it, more than anything I find myself feeling sorry for the people who do it. Hear me out:  ultimately I realized this is a practice of someone who has absolutely no self-esteem. Which is so backwards because by posting a picture of someone else to get dates, you’re asking to be rejected.

I’ve dealt with self esteem issues just like everyone else. I’ve worried that the people I’m attracted to won’t be attracted to me.  Just like any other single girl, I’ve actually worried this is why I’m still single. But in spite of this, never once have I ever considered trying to pose as someone else to attract a man and then hope he’s so interested in my personality that he forgets he’s not physically attracted to me. First of all, it just generally feels wrong. But most of all, I feel like this would be inviting rejection. Why would anyone want to go on a date under false pretenses with someone who probably isn’t into your “type?”

Why Would Anyone Want to Stay on a Date They Didn’t Really Sign Up For?

Just like my friend, when I showed up and realized who I was meeting, I had very little interest in being dazzled by a liar’s personality.  Even if he had been great, the whole thing started on a lie. No thanks. But really the issue is if you’re getting dates with someone else’s picture, you’re matching with people who are actively looking for people other than you. Who would do that to themselves?

I realize self-esteem is weird. There’s no controlling it. It often comes and goes of its own volition and the times it stays are unpredictable. But if I’m dealing with low self-esteem already, the last thing I want to do is tear myself down.  Purposefully going on a date with someone I know isn’t attracted to me?  Trust me, that’s not going to build me up!

Be Confident to Find Someone Perfect FOR YOU

So I guess the point to this rambling “Wacky Wooing Wednesday” post is this:

Confidence is sexy. Self-assurance is something to be sought after in a partner. I really do believe there’s someone out there in this crazy world for each and every one of us. As such, there is no reason for us to invite rejection. Rather, let’s build a community of daters who embrace themselves AND their partners. Let’s get into relationships because our dates are into our looks and our personality—not just hope that our personality will win in spite of our looks. And, hey, bottom line is, if you honestly think you won’t get dates because of your looks so you’re posting pics of not-yourself, be honest about it. I should have the right to decide whether or not I want to take a chance on someone who’s that ashamed of themselves. And, if there’s a legitimate reason for posting someone else’s picture or being vague about your identity, that’s all fine and good too, but again, make sure you’re up front about it.